Author: pushingfiftyandastroller

Titles for My Dog’s Autobiography

  1. The Squirrel Had it Coming
  2. Confessions of a Prairie Dog Killer
  3. The Living Room is Where I Poop Now
  4. I Don’t Do Tricks Just Gimme the Goddam Cookie
  5. Snuggling is My Superpower
  6. I Bark Therefore I Am
  7. Has Anyone Seen My Balls?
  8. The One Time My Ass Turned into Candy
  9. Why Be Awake When You Can Sleep?
  10. I’m the Boss of You

Signs Summer is Over

  1. Dark circles return under my eyes
  2. I set the alarm again
  3. Avocados double in price
  4. Apples replace peaches
  5. It’s too dark to walk after dinner
  6. My inbox is filled with school fundraising requests
  7. The kids practice their instruments
  8. I feel rushed all day long
  9. Reading for work replaces reading for pleasure
  10. I think too much about which shoes I’ll wear

We Are Mostly

  1. Reactive more than determined
  2. Angry more than peaceful
  3. Tired more than energetic
  4. Languishing more than active
  5. Confused more than clear
  6. Lonely more than secure
  7. Guarded more than open
  8. Sluggish more than hungry
  9. Regretful more than hopeful
  10. Static more than mobile

Fears I’ve Gotten Over

  1. Spontaneous Cumbustion
  2. Alien Abduction
  3. The Bermuda Triangle
  4. The Earth’s Axis Suddenly Changing
  5. The Earth’s Poles Suddenly Flipping
  6. Mercury Poisoning
  7. Lead Poisoning
  8. Killer Bees
  9. Quicksand
  10. Gravity Stopping

Hey Everybody!

I noticed a huge uptick in readers over the past few months, particularly overseas. I’d love to know a little about who you are, what drew you to my blog and what you think of it. Please subscribe, “like” it, and drop me a note or email! Thanks!

Thing I Tried to Accomplish During Lockdown but Didn’t

  1. Lose Weight
  2. Learn French
  3. Switch to natural deodorant
  4. Paint
  5. Clean out my house
  6. Lift weights
  7. Meal prep
  8. Hike
  9. Zoom drink with friends
  10. Complete the Census

Things to Make Your Older Sister Feel Even Older

  1. Start using retinolsisters
  2. Become menopausal
  3. Get AARP discounts
  4. Eat dinner around 5pm
  5. Complain
  6. Wear reading glasses
  7. Color your hair
  8. Worry about osteoporosis
  9. Praise Activia
  10. Forget proper nouns

Things I’ll Do When I’m an Old Lady

  1. Wear enormous necklaces
  2. Roll my eyes at people
  3. Get a discount at IHOP
  4. Wear clogs as dress shoes
  5. Say non sequiturs
  6. Wear slippers to the grocery store
  7. Swim during the safety break
  8. Swear even more
  9. Call whippersnappers “sonny” and “doll face”
  10. Day drink

Not One More Thing

There was a long night while my son was in a coma in the PICU at Children’s Hospital when I couldn’t stop crying. I paced the halls, I stared out the window. I cried. I needed to talk to someone who knew how I felt. I had the phone number of a mom whose son had died from DIPG the year before. I didn’t know her beyond email. She said if I ever needed to talk she’d be there for me. So I called her.

She knew immediately how to talk to me. She said I could ask her anything. My first and only question was why didn’t you kill yourself after your son died? She paused. Said it was a very important question, one she’d given a great deal of thought. She gave me such a simple, personal and honest answer that I’ve replayed it in my mind a thousand times since.

She said DIPG took so much from her family. She reached a point where she wasn’t going to let it take one more thing. Not One More Thing.

black-heart-divider

I’m thinking about this now because I’m a few days away from the anniversary of my son’s diagnosis. There are a handful of days that are tied for the worst day of my life — my son’s death and burial, but also the day he slipped into a coma and the day he was diagnosed. Diagnosis Day was the day that changed everything. Our life got divided into Before and After. Problems got divided between before and after, the after ones being problems we never thought we’d have to deal with. For us, Christmas is Diagnosis Day, which is particularly horrible for my husband. He used to love Christmas.

The list of things that were taken from our family after my son’s death is unmeasurable. But it has to end somewhere. It ends with Not One More Thing.

Instructions For Taking Care of My Dog

puppy-painterThank you for agreeing to take care of Pismo while we are on vacation. You are a wonderful friend. I know she’s in good hands with you. Here’s what you need to know:

  1. Love her. Hug her. Scratch her. Play with her. Kiss her. Pet her. Talk to her.
  2. Pismo eats 2x a day. One cup of Iams mini-chunks in the green bag in the AM mixed with water. Again at 6pm. Give her fresh water at these times. Pismo gets dehydrated easily.
  3. Take Pismo out at least 3x a day. Once in the AM when she first wakes up (not when you first wake up), once in the afternoon and once more before bed. Pick a spot and keep taking her there. She will eventually catch on. Bring several poop bags with you on walks. She will make at least 3 poops per walk. The last one will be a bitch to pick up.
  4. If you choose to give Pismo additional food she can eat chicken (no skin), turkey sandwich meat, boiled white rice, cottage cheese, eggs (either boiled, scrambled or sunny-side up). It is ok to let her suck on an apple core if you hold it and don’t let her eat it, but be careful about the seeds. If you give her additional food put it in her bowl, I don’t want her to lose her manners. Except for the apple.
  5. Pismo will arrive with 1 ball, 1 rope bone, 2 socks that have been worn for several days so they carry my scent. Do not give her rawhide or hoofs. You will regret it. Play only with hard plastic toys, use the ball as an example. If she punctures a toy please remove it. Let her pull off your socks. She will then lick your toes. Let her do this. It makes her happy.
  6. If you take her in the car expect her to drool. Bring paper towels. Remove her leash, it could be a choking hazard. Put her on the seat next to you. She likes to look out the window. Don’t let her stick her head out too far. She doesn’t get carsick anymore but if she’s going to vomit she will warn you with a series of pre-vomit gags. That’s usually enough time to pull over or hold a bag to catch the puke. Also, take her to pee before a car ride just to be safe.
  7. Let her sleep in the bed with you.
  8. Don’t leave her alone in the backyard. She’s a digger and might try to escape. If you must leave her alone make sure it’s someplace safe with her toys around her. Beware of outlets, cords, wires or potential destruction projects she could accomplish.
  9. Never let go of the leash, even when she yanks super hard. Wrap it around your hand. Try to distract her from squirrels and bunnies.
  10. Her favorite shows are The Office and Friends. You might want to leave them on in the background at all times.
  11. Pismo hates baths. Don’t bother unless it’s absolutely necessary. Use baby shampoo, no conditioner or product. Brush thoroughly. Blow dry on low setting.
  12. Her favorite activities are to lick herself, lick feet, fetch (but she won’t give it back).
  13. Pismo doesn’t get along with other dogs. She doesn’t like being sniffed or humped and they always do that to her.
  14. If she gets icky poop feed her boiled white rice and cottage cheese, 1 cup each. Take her out more often. Even if she’s really sick she can still hold it. Should she have an accident, you can scold her but only if you catch her right away. If time passes she won’t remember why you are yelling at her and she will think you’re crazy. If she ruins anything just send me the bill.
  15. Consider yourself warned — her farts can clear a room.

Again, thank you so much for watching her. See you in two weeks!!

Love,

Your BFF