- William Barr
- Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s health
- Timing a poached egg
- Running late
- Certain people
- Picking a restaurant
Things Millennials Actually Didn’t Invent
- Ironic parenting
- Ironic t-shirts
- Ironic dad-bods
- Ironic mom-jeans
- Binge watching
Places Where I’m Unreasonably Optimistic
- The travel-size section at Walgreens (I’m taking all the cute minis on my trip)
- The exercise aisle at Five Below (I’d exercise if I had a new yoga mat…and block…and pedometer…and)
- The produce section at Costco (I’m only eating salad from now on)
- The Container Store (Gonna organize everything)
- Barnes & Noble (I’ll make time to read a whole book)
- REI (Sleeping outside looks fun)
- Any hotel gym (I’m totally gonna treadmill on vaycay)
- The Great Escape (We need a pool, right?)
- Any craft store (I’ll make this…and this…and)
- Home Depot (Let’s play in all the fake kitchens)
- The boat show (I could get used to this)
- An open house (Ooh, nice trafalet)
- A buffet (I can try whatever I want)
- The Kwik-Mart (My Powerball ticket is the winner)
- Parking garages (I always get a good spot)
More Adult Injuries
- Got out of SUV wrong
- Wore heels
- Moved furniture
- Tried yoga
- Ate something spicy
- Licked envelope
- Sat in bleachers too long
- Stepped on Lego
- Yawned too big
- Bent down then tried to get up
- Sneezed too hard
- Slept wrong
- Got up too fast
- Ate cheese
- Shoveled snow
- Tried to read without my glasses
- Reached for something
- Opened plastic toy packaging
- Shaved legs
Why Does Mommy Swear?
You can hear it in the air. You can hear it everywhere. Does she even care? Why does Mommy swear?
She swears at other drivers. She swears at rude connivers. She swears at messy spills. Is this how she gets her thrills?
She swears when she is late and she cannot find her keys. She swears when she is busy and must stop to take a pee.
She does it when she cooks. She does it when she cleans. She doesn’t try to hide it and she isn’t being mean. She sometimes swears a little, but usually swears more. She even says words that I never heard before.
Is it because she’s tired and always feels a bit perturbed? Or maybe that her hands are too full to flip the bird?
Why Mommy swears a lot is a mystery, you see. She seems to swear at everything, but she never swears at me.
Alternate Names For My Husband
- Irritable Bowelius Cesear — His Roman Name
- Sir Snacksalot — His Knight Name
- Hopalong Hernia — His Cowboy Name
- Appendicitis Rex — His Dinosaur Name
- Billy Poang — His IKEA Name
- Norden Ektorp — His other IKEA Name
- Toenail Talons — His Street Fighter Name
- The Amazing Belly Laugher — His Circus Performer Name
- Ex Pensive — His Rap Star Name
- Pubic Zirconia — His Stripper Name
- Take a drink every time I enter a room but have no idea why I came in.
- Take a drink every time I ask, “Where’s my _________________?”
- Take a drink every time someone asks, “What’s for dinner?”
- Take a drink every time I pick up someone else’s dirty dishes.
- Take a drink every time I sit in front of the computer but forget what I wanted to google.
- Take a drink every time my husband can’t find his phone.
- Take a drink every time my daughter asks for a new toy.
- Take a drink every time my son can’t find his shoes.
- Take a drink every time I have to pee in the middle of the night. (counterproductive?)
- Take a drink every time I sit down to write but forget my train of thought.
Things My Daughter Says (With Exclamation Points)
- “You know how much me yuv pink!”
- “Me foosey!” (thirsty)
- “Me want a donut and Barbie!”
- “Where da skizzers an da sticky tape?!”
- “Me like lollipops tooooooo much!”
- “Me want all da toys me seen on TP yestehday!”
- “Me only ticklish everywhere!”
- “Tushies are stinky!”
- “Me want to win!”
- “Me want to be pretty yike a unicorn!”
Reasons Why I’m Spacey
- Breast Cancer
- Normal Stress
- Abnormal Stress
- Seasonal Allergies