Category: lists

Even More Small Things That Make Me Way Too Happy

  1. Clean sheets.
  2. When Pandora “gets” me.
  3. When sesame crunchies are on the salad bar.
  4. When my dog keeps my feet warm.
  5. Salsa.
  6. The smell of a brand new book.
  7. Hazelnut cookies.
  8. G-2 pens.
  9. The travel size section at Walgreens.
  10. Having a show to binge watch.

When I Wasn’t Looking

  1. My hair started graying
  2. My son stopped watching cartoons.
  3. My son started using words like “actually” and “ludicrous.”
  4. My joints started creaking.
  5. My clothes stopped fitting right. 
  6. My eyes got worse.
  7. My son started making his own breakfast.
  8. My son started putting himself to sleep at night.
  9. My son stopped being afraid of thunder.
  10. My soul got calmer.

Alternate Names For My Husband

  1. Irritable Bowelius Cesear  — His Roman Name
  2. Sir Snacksalot — His Knight Name
  3. Hopalong Hernia — His Cowboy Name
  4. Appendicitis Rex — His Dinosaur Name
  5. Billy Poang — His IKEA Name
  6. Norden Ektorp — His other IKEA Name
  7. Toenail Talons — His Street Fighter Name
  8. The Amazing Belly Laugher — His Circus Performer Name
  9. Ex Pensive — His Rap Star Name
  10. Pubic Zirconia — His Stripper Name

Drinking Games

  1. margarita-transparentTake a drink every time I enter a room but have no idea why I came in.
  2. Take a drink every time I ask, “Where’s my _________________?”
  3. Take a drink every time someone asks, “What’s for dinner?”
  4. Take a drink every time I pick up someone else’s dirty dishes.
  5. Take a drink every time I sit in front of the computer but forget what I wanted to google.
  6. Take a drink every time my husband can’t find his phone.
  7. Take a drink every time my daughter asks for a new toy.
  8. Take a drink every time my son can’t find his shoes.
  9. Take a drink every time I have to pee in the middle of the night. (counterproductive?)
  10. Take a drink every time I sit down to write but forget my train of thought.

Things My Daughter Says (With Exclamation Points)

  1. “You know how much me yuv pink!”
  2. “Me foosey!” (thirsty)
  3. “Me want a donut and Barbie!”
  4. “Where da skizzers an da sticky tape?!”
  5. “Me like lollipops tooooooo much!”
  6. “Me want all da toys me seen on TP yestehday!”
  7. “Me only ticklish everywhere!”
  8. “Tushies are stinky!”
  9. “Me want to win!”
  10. “Me want to be pretty yike a unicorn!”

Reasons Why I’m Spacey

  1. Daughter
  2. Son
  3. Son
  4. Medication
  5. Age
  6. Breast Cancer
  7. Hunger
  8. Normal Stress
  9. Abnormal Stress
  10. Seasonal Allergies

Classes That Should Be Offered At College

  1. The Art of Arguing Respectfully
  2. How to Stick to the Point
  3. Writing an Effective Complaint Letter
  4. Understanding and Interpreting the News
  5. Texting as a Second Language
  6. Survey of Outdated Life Skills: Cursive, Telling Time, Tying Shoes, Reading a Map
  7. Listening Skills 101
  8. Staying Sane in an Overstimulating World
  9. The Art of Detaching from Toxic Energy Suckers
  10. Assertion 101

My Bright Ideas

  1. science-teacher-blank-chalkboardThe Hundred Year-Old Diet: Only eat foods that existed 100 years ago. This would eliminate most processed food from the diet.
  2. Eat A Rainbow: Only eat foods that are red, orange, yellow, green, blue or purple. Preferably all on the same plate.
  3. Take a bag and a box to Savers every Wednesday. Do not buy more stuff.
  4. A bed larger than a California King so there’s enough room when everyone and the dog winds up there in the middle of the night.
  5. A real life and online hangout for women called “Coffee and Whine.”
  6. A food additive that gives farts colors so I can avoid walking into them in public, and know who to blame at home.
  7. A doorbell that doesn’t ring but instead shouts “This better be worth it!”
  8. Treadmills on the Metra.
  9. Bubble-wrap clothing for toddlers.
  10. The Steve Jobs Diet: Eat the same meals each day. Takes the stress out of calorie counting, nutrition and meal planning.