Category: lists

Titles for My Dog’s Autobiography

  1. The Squirrel Had it Coming
  2. Confessions of a Prairie Dog Killer
  3. The Living Room is Where I Poop Now
  4. I Don’t Do Tricks Just Gimme the Goddam Cookie
  5. Snuggling is My Superpower
  6. I Bark Therefore I Am
  7. Has Anyone Seen My Balls?
  8. The One Time My Ass Turned into Candy
  9. Why Be Awake When You Can Sleep?
  10. I’m the Boss of You

Signs Summer is Over

  1. Dark circles return under my eyes
  2. I set the alarm again
  3. Avocados double in price
  4. Apples replace peaches
  5. It’s too dark to walk after dinner
  6. My inbox is filled with school fundraising requests
  7. The kids practice their instruments
  8. I feel rushed all day long
  9. Reading for work replaces reading for pleasure
  10. I think too much about which shoes I’ll wear

Things I’ll Do When I’m an Old Lady

  1. Wear enormous necklaces
  2. Roll my eyes at people
  3. Get a discount at IHOP
  4. Wear clogs as dress shoes
  5. Say non sequiturs
  6. Wear slippers to the grocery store
  7. Swim during the safety break
  8. Swear even more
  9. Call whippersnappers “sonny” and “doll face”
  10. Day drink

Things That Stress Me

  1. Roundabouts
  2. William Barr
  3. Ruth Bader Ginsburg’s health
  4. Flying
  5. Timing a poached egg
  6. Running late
  7. Plans
  8. Certain people
  9. Picking a restaurant
  10. Clutter

Labels I Wear

  1. Mom
  2. Bereaved Mom
  3. Wife
  4. Writer
  5. Sister
  6. Aunt
  7. Friend
  8. Great Aunt
  9. Breast Cancer Survivor
  10. Consumer

Growing Pains

Yesterday you held my hand, now you hold your phone.

You drew me pictures, now you send emojis. You never left my side, now you rarely leave your room. You wore clothes with characters, now you wear labels. You played make-believe, now you play Fortnite. You checked for loose teeth, now you check Snapchat. You hid from thunder, now you barely shudder.

Yesterday I was your world, now the world is yours.

boy-with-flower-for-mom

 

 

 

 

 

 

Things Millennials Actually Didn’t Invent

  1. Ironic parenting
  2. Ironic t-shirts
  3. Ironic dad-bods
  4. Ironic mom-jeans
  5. Avocados
  6. Kombucha
  7. Selfies
  8. Binge watching
  9. Debt
  10. Irony

 

 

Places Where I’m Unreasonably Optimistic

  1. The travel-size section at Walgreens (I’m taking all the cute minis on my trip)
  2. The exercise aisle at Five Below (I’d exercise if I had a new yoga mat…and block…and pedometer…and)
  3. The produce section at Costco (I’m only eating salad from now on)
  4. The Container Store (Gonna organize everything)
  5. Barnes & Noble (I’ll make time to read a whole book)
  6. REI (Sleeping outside looks fun)
  7. Any hotel gym (I’m totally gonna treadmill on vaycay)
  8. The Great Escape (We need a pool, right?)
  9. Any craft store (I’ll make this…and this…and)
  10. Home Depot (Let’s play in all the fake kitchens)
  11. The boat show (I could get used to this)
  12. An open house (Ooh, nice trafalet)
  13. A buffet (I can try whatever I want)
  14. The Kwik-Mart (My Powerball ticket is the winner)
  15. Parking garages (I always get a good spot)

More Adult Injuries

  1. Got out of SUV wrong
  2. Wore heels
  3. Moved furniture
  4. Tried yoga
  5. Ate something spicy
  6. Licked envelope
  7. Sat in bleachers too long
  8. Stepped on Lego
  9. Yawned too big
  10. Bent down then tried to get up

Adult Injuries

  1. bandaid-trandsparentSneezed too hard
  2. Slept wrong
  3. Got up too fast
  4. Ate cheese
  5. Shoveled snow
  6. Tried to read without my glasses
  7. Reached for something
  8. Opened plastic toy packaging
  9. Shaved legs
  10. Snored